Q #2: 3 Practical Questions

*This is Part 2 of a 3 part series. Part 1 is here: Q #1: 3 Practical Questions*


Q #2: What Is My Pain?

Dave Gibbons in his book: The Monkey and the Fish asks this question of himself, his church leadership and his ministry second. He illustrates that the world has turmoil, hard times and the "prosperity gospel" isn't where it's at. He asks himself the question "what is my pain" so he can use the pain from within his own life as a tool to connecting across cultural, racial and gender lines.

It is no secret that teens today have pain. The world we live in is fallen and depraved. Teens question (especially in their upper grade level years) how there can be so much pain and a Good God all at the same time. On more than one occasion I have been stopped with this very question as well as others similar to it all pointing to the same idea: "why is there pain?"

Divorce.

Murder.

Theft.

Rape.

Suicide.

Injustice.

Racism.

All pieces to a painful puzzle that teenagers deal with on a daily basis.

How do we as Youth Pastors respond? Do we give pat answers to real struggles? Sadly, I know I have. Do we brush off pain as something that happens "in a fallen world" and leave a teenager who doesn't even understand theologically what that means with just that to bank on? Again, I know I have.

This idea of where is my pain is a GREAT one for Youth Pastors to grab onto. It opens the doors of authentic ministry. It shows the teens that we too struggle with pain, have struggled with pain and will continue to do so. It shows a life that has been transformed through pain rather than simple words that explain away pain. It is living, incarnate ministry rather than "preachy, teachy" ministry.

It causes us to preach our failures, our hurts and our struggles rather than our successes, feel good moments and triumphs. Teenagers today don't want to hear all about how good we are. They want to hear how we failed and if there is hope for them when they fail. They want to see and hear what our struggles are, where we fall short so they can know they are not alone.

Looking at myself for a second, I realize I have a lot of pain I've had to deal with. My life has not been a "walk in the park" as they say.

My parents were divorced. My dad tried to commit suicide right in front of me and my family. My sister walked away from God. My mom married a drunk who wet himself on our couch each night. My mom chose another drunk, this time a Jehovah's Witness over her own son. I was a loser in Jr. High and the list goes on. This is MY pain and it is universal. There are people of all sorts of backgrounds that have similar pain. It is cross-cultural when we connect to our pain and teach from it. We have a connection through our pain with people we'd otherwise be tempted to write off. We have a connection to teenagers whom otherwise wouldn't listen t a thing we said through our pain.

God can use our pain to TEACH His Truth.

Let me state something here, now that we are on the same page with our pain. Dave in his book, missed this point, but I think it is vital.

In order to teach from our pain, we have to be healed of it's sting.

What I mean by this is, the pain we teach from MUST have already been healed in our lives. If we teach about pain that is still residing within us AS PAIN which God has not yet touched, we will teach the pain through bitterness, rather than salvation. Pain taught and preached through bitterness will not produce salvation in our teens...it will reap a harvest of bitterness.

This doesn't mean the pain is no longer felt, but it does mean that the sting is gone. One can still mourn their parents divorce and be healed from the sting of the divorce.

In order to teach authentically, we must not be numb to the pain, but we must be inoculated with Christs' healing so it can no longer produce the evil Satan meant it to.

In this way, we connect out pain to the teens we teach, but we can also bring them through healing from that pain. If we haven't been healed yet, how can we help those who are also not yet healed?


We must connect with our pain in order to teach authentically to today's teen.

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Q #1: 3 Practical Questions

Over the past couple of years, I've really transitioned into being an avid reader. I love learning new things, and learning new ways to think about the way I do ministry. I try not to read simply for "expounding my head knowledge" but I try to read for transformation, asking: "What can I take away from this for where I am".

While reading The Monkey and the Fish I put on these lenses and came out with some really amazing stuff that I can add to my ministry...and I hope you can benefit as well.

The author Dave Gibbons has a ton to say on why we should live differently as Christians in this world. He also gives the how. He is very insightful on how it is necessary for Christians (especially us Westerners) to be globally focused on the mission of Christ, thinking how we can stop being homogeneous and start being what he calls "Third culture". He calls for a radical racial reconciliation that looks at each people group (as well as the individual person) as an integral piece of the Body of Christ, rather than simply "flowing with the comfortable" he admonishes us to "get messy" and reach out.

All of these ideas have incredible implications to Emerging Youth Ministry. Doing ministry within a homogeneous context is (and will continue to be) impossible with this generation. It goes along with an idea Dan, a friend of mine has been talking about when he says we NEED to be inclusive as opposed to exclusive (to read his amazing thoughts, go here: EMERGING YOUTH). However, I want to focus in on 3 questions Dave Gibbons asks himself (as well as the leadership of his church).

The Three questions are:

1. Where Is Nazareth? (Page 114) 2. What Is My Pain? (Page 116) 3. What Is In My Hand? (Page 119)

Dave unpacks these in light of the Church's mission as well as his place within the calling of said church. I am going to internalize them and unpack them in light of today's Youth Ministry.

Q #1: Where Is Nazareth?

Dave shares how Jesus grew up as a carpenter's son in Nazareth. It's the place people considered the slums, the dump or the ghetto. It's no place for a respected Rabbi to grow up...much less God! "Can anything good come from Nazareth?" someone questioned of Jesus and of His legitimacy.


Now picture the Nazareth of your town, or city. Picture the place where adults say things like: "no teen who lives there could ever succeed". Picture your ghetto...where is it? Who lives there? What type of teenager comes out of there? What's the rate of single moms there? What's the crime rate from your Nazareth? What's the average household income there? Lastly...are there any teens within your Youth Ministry from that Nazareth?

We all have a Nazareth. We all can label it. We all can name it. However, do we claim it as a place where God can move? Are we too timid to reach out and reach in to the hurting and the broken there?

Christ not only lived in Nazareth, but he transformed people's perception of it. He even visited an even worse neighborhood and talked with a woman who could've made him look bad. She was a Samaritan Woman who had several adulterous affairs. She had too many husbands and was currently sleeping and living with a man who was not her husband! Yet, he reached out to her and reached into her life! (John 4:1-26). It is a beautiful picture of Christ asking "Where is Nazareth", going there and then bringing the Truth to that place.

As Youth Ministers are we actively seeking the Nazareth's in our midst? Or, are we simply staying comfortable hanging with the church kids while creating a homogeneous churchy country club?

I am deeply challenged with this and many more questions. Q #2 coming soon...

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Teens and Sex

I am currently reading a book called: Hero: Becoming the Man She Desires by Fred and Jasen Stoeker. It is about men (geared toward teens and college age men) being pure until marriage.

Of course, I agree with the basic premise and a ton of what the author's say is true about sexuality and purity...

However, it is a book that will ultimately FAIL at reaching teenage/college age boys with the message of purity. It is a legalistic, almost Amish view of life, that will NOT resonate with today's teen, nor college age person.

The authors are constantly saying: you need to be a man and choose purity. Stop being a sex pervert and choose to be pure...so you can be a Hero for God.

The author Fred hails his son Jasen as the example for all men to be pure. He lifts him up to demi-god status describing how his son is a victor over sex and it's strongholds.

The main problem with this book (so far at least) is that it is all "works based" as well as "shame based". Saying you need to work on it, or else you won't be a Hero. All in an effort to get young men to choose purity. So far (50 pages in) the book has not ONCE said that you need God in order to do this. In fact it has said that a real man of God can do it just by dedicating oneself to being pure. The authors have said that it's all you, being a hero for God. YOU choose, YOU walk away from and YOU are a Hero...

I don't know about you, but I can't live the Christian life without the Spirit of God living inside me, making me Holy. If it were left to my own choosing, I would not choose God...yet His Spirit residing inside me has changed me and it is His power that I choose what's right...not my own.

Teens need a different message about sex. Purity, YES, but not shame based, nor works based teaching! That will drive them further into sex...not closer to purity.

Imagine a book written to smokers. Imagine the author says this: "Don't you oh smoker know that smoking can harm you, even kill you? It's bad for you! You can choose NOT to smoke. Just stop already! Oh and if your looking for an example, my son has never smoked. He always walked away from smoking and cigarettes. He's a Hero for God because he's chosen not to smoke. You should choose not to smoke, or stop smoking now so you too (like my son) can become a hero for God."

I know this is NOT the author's intent. However, if they were students of the culture they were writing to...they'd know that this book would sound like this to a typical teenage guy (Christian or not).

I'm not saying I know the right way to teach purity...because I don't. I simply know that this is not the way. Teen sexuality is a HUGE issue for us as Youth Pastors today, I agree. We need to collaborate together on how to teach this message with the power of the Gospel...not the power of self-reliance.

What do you think Pastors? How can we teach purity in today's Youth Culture?

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